Why am I still awake?

It's 3:41. A ridiculous time to still be awake. Why am I up? Dunno. Procrastinating actually going to bed I suppose.

Update of my life: today I spent a large amount of time wandering around grocery stores with my mom. We literally filled the cart to the point where I was carrying around the few last little purchases. Christmas Eve dinner always is lasagna at my house, so we were stocking up. Plus my sister and her boyfriend were supposed to get here tonight at 11:30pm. More about that later. In grocery news, I got this ginormous red grapefruit. I am so obsessed with them, it's weird. Standing in the grocery store, my salivary glands were activated by the sight and smell of it. I felt compelled to send several text messages about my grapefruit. I have yet to cut it, but know that when I do it will be a monumental event, complete with photos. My mouth is watering thinking about it. As a friend once said to me, "anticipation heightens the pleasure," so I'm putting off eating it until I've had adequate time to want it and lust after it. Mm.

The story about my sissy. Well, it seems that the weather here is not in favor of anyone coming for Christmas, because there was a major ice storm all over Northeast Ohio. So her flight was cancelled in Charlotte NC, so she and a few others determined to get to Ohio are currently driving. Yeah. Tomorrow (today) will be interesting since no one will have had much sleep. Except I'm a bit of a dillweed and I have no excuse for being up this late. Just my own weirdness.

Onto pictures!










Me and Simba lounging on the floor. He likes to "help" me knit. At least he moves when he's attacking the yarn...usually he's just a lump of fur on the floor that will periodically rub itself on a pair of feet nearby. No joke.














Awesome retro 80's hat I discovered. I will be wearing it a lot seeing as normal lounge wear around my chilly house consists of my jacket, a scarf, and glittens. With the hat I can afford to lose the jacket. But I must jealously guard my body heat...Jack Frost is just waiting to steal it away from me.

Expect more pictures of an awesome grapefruit and my homosexual nutcracker soon. I'm heading off to bed. Finally.

Home again

This is what a storm crow looks like.

Mystery Nutcracker went relatively well. My "husband" in party scene, who also happens to be the Dance Master kept saying, "hmm isn't it mysterious?" all throughout party scene. It got to a point where I was alternately stifling laughter and setting him up for "hmm, mysterious" responses. The orchestra, which happens to be composed of students, sounded much much better than in all the rehearsals. We were all happily surprised that they played everything together and well. There were a couple of shaky points in rehearsal where literally half the orchestra was playing a measure behind the other half, and there was just no reconciling it. In those situations, we would usually half cringe and laugh uncomfortably. But during the show there were no such incidents. Thankfully.

The shows on Sunday went very well also. This time they were regular Nutcracker with canned music. And even though it's so much better overall to see a show with live music, I felt so much more secure with our usual music-from-CD show...even if it does reveal our company to be a little low budget. My last Rat Queen run went well, and I think (but who really knows) the audience appreciated my Swan Lake death. Both a cute little ballet joke and a possible foreshadowing of the future for BTM (yikes). Nothing beats the stone cold silence I got during the second run of school shows. For those, I chose to die in more pop-culture way, so that everyone can get a laugh, even for the "only nutcracker" ballet viewers. The first week was the time-honored cabbage patch dance move. There were a few chuckles and sniggers for that. But the second week, which was this past Thursday, I did the robot, and then died as a robot, then died as the rat queen. As I was standing there, letting my robot arms swing and go limp, I thought I heard a cricket or two. Or maybe a pin drop. Or a tree in a distant forest fall.

Not even a pity chortle. Oh well. I got paid ten dollars for that show, so my robot moves were worth something to someone.

Anyways, the first show on Sunday I had a little fan club out in the audience. I was actually really nervous to perform because they were only seeing me once. In the past my parents would see almost every show I danced in (their choice, not mine. Cross my heart and hope to die). So the one time only deal got my nerves a-janglin'. But everything went pretty well. Afterwards, literally everyone was offering to get me food. With another show looming so incredibly close, I couldn't have eaten much even if I wanted to. But the lack of vittles was such a hot button issue that I found it quite humorous. I pretended to swoon from hunger and there were hundreds of "are you sure you're okay?"s. I'll have to remind everyone how eager they were to feed me then the next time I want to go out to eat.

But here I am now, safe and sound in good ol' Tallmadge Ohio. It's freezing, there is snow on the ground, and the sun set at about 4:45. Already a recipe for depression. On the drive back so many crappy things happened, I really hope that it's not foreshadowing something. There was an insane wreck on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, so we were stuck in traffic for about an hour and a half...with no exit in sight. So there was no escape. This made my Dad extra happy. Then we hit another wreck once we crossed over the Ohio border. So we took the long way on all the back roads. In the midst of all that, I had a conversation with my ex which ended with him hanging up on me in a huff. It started out nice, and he was comforting me. But I'm not sure how it ended up so shitty. Oh well, I'm not letting it bother me too much because there is so much personal growth and self-improvement that needs to be attended to.

Tomorrow evening my sister and her boyfriend will be back in the states. This means my schedule will be full of family and doing things that can only be done stateside. I hope a few of those include things I can only do while here, like going to eat at a Jimmy John's or Swensons.

That's all for now. Until next time.

Black eye shadow and eyeliner lipstick

Tonight I will don a black unitard, and black pointe shoes. Oh and the goth make up will complete the look. Tonight I am a storm crow in The Case of the Missing Nutcracker. An interesting take on the Nutcracker that I still don't fully understand. And I'm dancing in it. I read the synopsis, and it still doesn't really make sense to me. The synopsis is really a retelling of the whole story in complete and minute detail. You would think this would make it easier to understand...but i still feel like I'm out of the loop.

It's the final weekend of shows. After tonight's we have two shows on Sunday and we're FREE until we have to be back and rehearsing for First Night Annapolis. And we've been so into Nutcracker stuff no one has really had time to think about what we might be performing that night. But for some reason I have always hated new years, so I'm glad to have something to do and some place to be. And I think I might be paid for this gig too.

Today was the first time I saw a cat projectile vomit. My room mate thought it would be a good idea to pick him up as he was gagging so he would be barfing on the bathroom floor instead of the carpet. Needless to say I dashed out of the way of some flying liquids. It was incredibly gross yet slightly funny.

My life as of late has been full. Full of rehearsing and trying to keep up some semblence of a social life, and also getting a decent amount of sleep. I've been noting more and more how important it is to be positive and just laugh...it's gotten me through a lot of tough situations lately. I'm hoping that these next few days off I will be able to find time to try and plan out my future, but with my sister and her boyfriend visiting for the holidays, I'm not sure that will be possible.

Oh well.
Namaste.

This shiz is bananas

Can't believe it, but we've finished our first weekend of nutcracker, and we're moving on to the second. Three shows behind me, and three more to go. Weird. It is so close to Christmas when I'm done, and I have no time or money to do any Christmas shopping or planning. I barely have groceries. Le sigh.

I like my Christmas gifts to be meaningful, not showy or expensive. Which is part of why I hate the holiday. So many people use it as a way to show status by giving and asking for huge expensive gifts that have no necessity or meaning in their life. And plus everyone says they love to see the goodwill and cheer people exude during this time of the season. But for me, it brings out the uglies in people. I have never seen so many rude and greedy people out and about at once. Ugh. Yes I know I'm a grinch....so let's not get into this.

Sundays shows really were not fun for me. I was let down severely by someone close, and the second show i was close to tears literally right before the curtain went up. Well, out since Maryland Hall doesn't have the capability to fly drops, let alone curtains. Anywho, I just didn't have the will to perform, so the show sucked for me, and I was feeling pretty low about myself.

I went home, I showered, I napped. I was ready to go to the dancer party and unwind. But it became just another depressing debacle. In short, I realized the wine I had bought was super sweet, therefore I couldn't drink it (literally couldn't even force myself to drink it), the people I brought were causing problems, and I was getting in trouble for being associated with them. I went home, I cried, I talked it out. I was frustrated, I cried myself to sleep, and then I woke up this morning. It's a new day, but still not a perfect day. A better day. A step above.

I'm getting stronger all the time, but sometimes I doubt my own strength. It's difficult sometimes, but other times I am so grateful for my strength. And sometimes, I think it intimidates people.

In other news, drama is happening all around me. I wish I could be in my own personal hamster ball sometimes, and just live in that little bubble and be impervious to other people's crap. I don't want to get involved, but somehow I get pulled in and before I know it, I'm the center of a "he said, she said" talk. Le sigh.

I need to try to move onward and upward. I'm going to look up an Ethiopian restaurant in DC as a possible site for a birthday bash

Sensitivity

Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive for my own good. Things really get to me, then I go back and overanalyze an exchange or a situation. And I just think too much.

Sensitivity is good, but too much is too much.

Once an energy/chakra lady came in and did individual readings of the people in our dance class. She looked at me for a moment, and said one word: "breathe." I need to remember this more on a daily basis.

And where did my self-esteem go? When it left, vanity came storming in, and I have been grappling with that ever since. Maybe it's because for the past month I've been battling with the complexion of a greasy-faced 12 year old. I'm almost 23...I shouldn't have to worry about this silliness anymore.

Le sigh.

The sound of silence

Back in Naptown.

The other morning I was at the gym and reading Awakening the Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das, and I came across such beautiful words that truly spoke to me. And not saying that the entire book isn't helping me through the inner turmoil I have been dealing with...this just seemed so right and so true.

A paraphrased speech by Manjusri the Maha Bodhisattva of Wisdom:
" Silence is the threshold to the inner sanctum, the heart's sublime cave. Silence is the song of the heart, like love, a universal language, a natural melody open to anyone, even the tone deaf or religiously challenged. Try going out into the woods or sitting very near the ocean's waves. Look up at the bright stars at nigh; open your mind's inner ear and listen to the lovely song of silence. Here is the joy of contemplative sweetness. Follow this bliss."

It is so hard for people, especially family, to understand in the few free hours I have in a day....i NEED to be by myself and quiet, and not doing anything. I don't want to talk about my day, i don't want to go anywhere or be productive, i just want to be. It is so thoroughly cleansing for me, and with everything I have had going on: working, dancing, teaching, dealing with a break up, those moments of vacuum are like precious jewels.

Sweet dreams are made of these

There are places that I sometimes visit in my mind. They are fully formed worlds with every little detail worked out, and I don't know quite how they got to be so vivid and perfect. A theory is that I may have imagined them when I was a kid and they have just become so ingrained in my brain that I can access them as if they were real memories.

This is definitely beside the point.

Lately, I have been needing an escape. And I have this unexplainable affinity for water. So the place my mind has sometimes been visiting has been this beautiful shoreline. It's around dusk, there is a soft wind blowing, and the colors are royal blue and purple, in the sky and glistening on the water. There are dark craggy rocks that form small cliffs and shelters. I can almost feel the sand on my feet and smell the salt in the air. It seems to be so halcyon and serene...and I actually visited this place in my dreams last night. It was a meeting place for me and a friend, and I had thoughts about the next place I should be in the future. I'm not sure what this all means, but I feel better after putting it out there.

Today is Black Friday, and it's one of the first times I've not had to worry about a Nutcracker performance tomorrow. I'm at home in Ohio, and I have designated this time as a period of absolute healing for me. I need to sleep, rehydrate, and be properly fed. All the while having no obligations other than family and friends. And it has been so great so far.

There are many possibilities open for the future, and it is so exciting to sit back and imagine what may happen. Hopefully with the new administration we will see some changes in the arts community, with a higher emphasis being placed on art in general. I don't think people realize that in these economically depressed times, we need art now more than ever. We need a place to find solace, to escape, to be moved, even to be angry with. I can only hope that people will begin to see the light soon.

There is so much to say, but too little time and not the right words to say.

There has been a lot of talk amongst the family about going to the inauguration. I hope to be a part of it since I am me
rely half an hour away from DC. What a party that will be :)

Day by day

I'm working on a new knitting project: a little pocket done with seed stitch. I plan to make myself a bunch of little pocket bags for storing various things in various bags. This is my attempt to make my life more organized since I have been living amongst small messes as of late. I'm creative, and I can't help being messy, but I get pissed off at myself if a mess lingers too long. It's so difficult to maintain a certain level of cleanliness if I never spend much time in a room. Especially my bedroom...I'm asleep or changing clothes. Usually changing in a relatively hurried state. And it's so small, if I drop a shirt on the ground, it looks akin to the damages a of a sudden windstorm.

And there are certain bad habits I need to break. When clothes are dirty, it is the most difficult thing in the world for me to actually place the clothes inside the hamper. I'll just throw it ontop of it and say that I'll take care of it later. Maybe if I put the hamper somewhere else, somewhere where i can actually keep it open all the way...but there is such a lack of space and time to reorganize. Le Sigh.

I am feeling a little bit better about my life today. Maybe it's because I'm recognizing that I'm taking all these steps to improve myself, or maybe it's because I made a choice that I won't be the victim of a situation anymore. I'm usually not the one who is making themselves victim to circumstance, but on occasion i slip up, and have to remind myself that, yes I am a strong girl, and yes I can get through this. Heck, not only will I get through it, I will be such a better person for it.

I love the coffee shop atmosphere. I love the smells, the sounds, the people. And free internet is good too. We are featuring a new Italian Dark Roast this month, and I have officially fallen in love with it. If only I had a French Press at home, I could enjoy it properly. That is going to be the very first item on my Christmas list for shiz.

I recently bought some Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar. It's supposed to be so so so good for you, because there is nothing done to it besides putting it in wooden barrels for aging. I did a little research, and some people were absolutely disgusted by the taste, and saying the benefits are actually from people changing their lifestyles while using it...but I don't care. I'm going to try it. There will always be those outspoken people who have something to say about EVERYTHING.

The third one

This is the third blog I've had. I've not gotten the hang of the others, and I feel like more people I know may be blogging on this one. So I've switched.

Current stats:
Living in Annapolis
Dancing with Ballet Theatre of Maryland
Single
Working at City Dock Coffee to actually make some money
"teaching"
Getting into Buddhism
Trying to practice Yoga on a regular basis
Seriously considering getting licensed in Massage asap
Becoming a serious, self-taught knitter

I've always thought that if given three extra hours in the day, I could actually get everything I wanted done, and I could have some leisure time too. When I was in school, I thought I had no time, but now that I'm employed with three jobs, I now know the meaning of no time. I've learned that I just have to do the best with those snatches of 30 minutes and 45 minutes here and there...how else could i knit and sketch and read and practice yoga?

Right now, it's a give and a take situation. I give all I have to the moment, and I take what I can from it. Sometimes this is more profitable and fulfilling than others. And sometimes my head gets so full of the shit that is happening around me, I can't even be attentive to the moment. What is happening now. Right now that is my greatest obstacle.

That and the fact that I live in a hole under a rock. Without internet at home and cable, I have such a time trying to stay connected to the rest of the world...but maybe someday i can share an internet connection with a neighbor, or the internet fairy will bless my apartment.

Maybe someday.