Sunday, November 30, 2008

The sound of silence

Back in Naptown.

The other morning I was at the gym and reading Awakening the Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das, and I came across such beautiful words that truly spoke to me. And not saying that the entire book isn't helping me through the inner turmoil I have been dealing with...this just seemed so right and so true.

A paraphrased speech by Manjusri the Maha Bodhisattva of Wisdom:
" Silence is the threshold to the inner sanctum, the heart's sublime cave. Silence is the song of the heart, like love, a universal language, a natural melody open to anyone, even the tone deaf or religiously challenged. Try going out into the woods or sitting very near the ocean's waves. Look up at the bright stars at nigh; open your mind's inner ear and listen to the lovely song of silence. Here is the joy of contemplative sweetness. Follow this bliss."

It is so hard for people, especially family, to understand in the few free hours I have in a day....i NEED to be by myself and quiet, and not doing anything. I don't want to talk about my day, i don't want to go anywhere or be productive, i just want to be. It is so thoroughly cleansing for me, and with everything I have had going on: working, dancing, teaching, dealing with a break up, those moments of vacuum are like precious jewels.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Sweet dreams are made of these

There are places that I sometimes visit in my mind. They are fully formed worlds with every little detail worked out, and I don't know quite how they got to be so vivid and perfect. A theory is that I may have imagined them when I was a kid and they have just become so ingrained in my brain that I can access them as if they were real memories.

This is definitely beside the point.

Lately, I have been needing an escape. And I have this unexplainable affinity for water. So the place my mind has sometimes been visiting has been this beautiful shoreline. It's around dusk, there is a soft wind blowing, and the colors are royal blue and purple, in the sky and glistening on the water. There are dark craggy rocks that form small cliffs and shelters. I can almost feel the sand on my feet and smell the salt in the air. It seems to be so halcyon and serene...and I actually visited this place in my dreams last night. It was a meeting place for me and a friend, and I had thoughts about the next place I should be in the future. I'm not sure what this all means, but I feel better after putting it out there.

Today is Black Friday, and it's one of the first times I've not had to worry about a Nutcracker performance tomorrow. I'm at home in Ohio, and I have designated this time as a period of absolute healing for me. I need to sleep, rehydrate, and be properly fed. All the while having no obligations other than family and friends. And it has been so great so far.

There are many possibilities open for the future, and it is so exciting to sit back and imagine what may happen. Hopefully with the new administration we will see some changes in the arts community, with a higher emphasis being placed on art in general. I don't think people realize that in these economically depressed times, we need art now more than ever. We need a place to find solace, to escape, to be moved, even to be angry with. I can only hope that people will begin to see the light soon.

There is so much to say, but too little time and not the right words to say.

There has been a lot of talk amongst the family about going to the inauguration. I hope to be a part of it since I am me
rely half an hour away from DC. What a party that will be :)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Day by day

I'm working on a new knitting project: a little pocket done with seed stitch. I plan to make myself a bunch of little pocket bags for storing various things in various bags. This is my attempt to make my life more organized since I have been living amongst small messes as of late. I'm creative, and I can't help being messy, but I get pissed off at myself if a mess lingers too long. It's so difficult to maintain a certain level of cleanliness if I never spend much time in a room. Especially my bedroom...I'm asleep or changing clothes. Usually changing in a relatively hurried state. And it's so small, if I drop a shirt on the ground, it looks akin to the damages a of a sudden windstorm.

And there are certain bad habits I need to break. When clothes are dirty, it is the most difficult thing in the world for me to actually place the clothes inside the hamper. I'll just throw it ontop of it and say that I'll take care of it later. Maybe if I put the hamper somewhere else, somewhere where i can actually keep it open all the way...but there is such a lack of space and time to reorganize. Le Sigh.

I am feeling a little bit better about my life today. Maybe it's because I'm recognizing that I'm taking all these steps to improve myself, or maybe it's because I made a choice that I won't be the victim of a situation anymore. I'm usually not the one who is making themselves victim to circumstance, but on occasion i slip up, and have to remind myself that, yes I am a strong girl, and yes I can get through this. Heck, not only will I get through it, I will be such a better person for it.

I love the coffee shop atmosphere. I love the smells, the sounds, the people. And free internet is good too. We are featuring a new Italian Dark Roast this month, and I have officially fallen in love with it. If only I had a French Press at home, I could enjoy it properly. That is going to be the very first item on my Christmas list for shiz.

I recently bought some Bragg Apple Cider Vinegar. It's supposed to be so so so good for you, because there is nothing done to it besides putting it in wooden barrels for aging. I did a little research, and some people were absolutely disgusted by the taste, and saying the benefits are actually from people changing their lifestyles while using it...but I don't care. I'm going to try it. There will always be those outspoken people who have something to say about EVERYTHING.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The third one

This is the third blog I've had. I've not gotten the hang of the others, and I feel like more people I know may be blogging on this one. So I've switched.

Current stats:
Living in Annapolis
Dancing with Ballet Theatre of Maryland
Working at City Dock Coffee to actually make some money
Getting into Buddhism
Trying to practice Yoga on a regular basis
Seriously considering getting licensed in Massage asap
Becoming a serious, self-taught knitter

I've always thought that if given three extra hours in the day, I could actually get everything I wanted done, and I could have some leisure time too. When I was in school, I thought I had no time, but now that I'm employed with three jobs, I now know the meaning of no time. I've learned that I just have to do the best with those snatches of 30 minutes and 45 minutes here and else could i knit and sketch and read and practice yoga?

Right now, it's a give and a take situation. I give all I have to the moment, and I take what I can from it. Sometimes this is more profitable and fulfilling than others. And sometimes my head gets so full of the shit that is happening around me, I can't even be attentive to the moment. What is happening now. Right now that is my greatest obstacle.

That and the fact that I live in a hole under a rock. Without internet at home and cable, I have such a time trying to stay connected to the rest of the world...but maybe someday i can share an internet connection with a neighbor, or the internet fairy will bless my apartment.

Maybe someday.