Hi-Ate-Us

Last time I left you, I was a sad broken excuse for a human be-in. Now I'm an actual person ("I'm a real boy!") again! And I have officially submitted myself to the ballet gods again. Although, today's class, the first class I have taken in almost 4 weeks, was somewhat of a disaster (nothing like I fell into people whilst turning, a la Jody Sawyer, or somehow breaking something). But the good thing was nothing really hurt, and I could actually move without hearing the rusty creaking of my joints (slight exaggeration). Tomorrow though, everything will hurt, and my joints will probably be creaking again (not an exaggeration). But it feels good to start back into it.

I was worried that I was taking too much time away to turn into a lumpy muscle-less "regular girl," but I realized that if the thought of going back to take a maintenance class instilled dread, then I probably wasn't ready to go back. So after getting back from vacation in the Caribbean, and having my best friend visit for a couple of days, I was actually rarin' to go. When I got to class, I started to get nervous since the most time I took off during the year was 2 weeks...and yeah everything felt like hell. The positive thing is that everything didn't ache like it used to, and my feet actually felt like feet, not swollen sacks of fluid.

But let's talk about vacation. I left Annapolis a rainy nasty mess, and arrived in St Thomas, which had just finished being a rainy nasty mess. Unfortunately when I was there, it was almost always cloudy with snatches of rain here and there (with one exception, when my sister and I went to Magen's Bay), but I wasn't complaining. I missed seeing the sparkling blue water, because the gray skies made the water look like regular ocean water (which isn't unappealing at all, but St. Thomas can do so much better than that!) I spent a lot of time on the beach, reading, shopping around, and just hanging out with my sister. It was very very necessary. And I noticed a malaise begin to seep in, as a result of my sultry relaxing surroundings. I couldn't actually remember the last time I felt bored like that! It was nice to remember that such a thing did exist.

One of my favorite places to visit when visiting my sister is the island of St. John. The island is a nature preserve, so the energy there is so wonderful...it has even been dubbed by the hippies "Love Island." So my sister and I were going to go camping there on Saturday and Sunday, at Maho Bay (it was actually ecotourism because it was all self sustaining and green. Which made it so much more awesome!). I was so excited, but the moment we got on the island and began to hike we were swarmed with mosquitoes. I have never seen them so prevalent! I had 15 bites on one arm alone, AFTER bug spray (multiple applications), and only after 10 or 15 minutes. I am also incredibly attractive to mosquitoes, so that didn't help. When we got to the campsite, I continuted to be miserable...constantly checking every arm and leg to swat them away. When we got into our tent, they would come up through the floorboards and bite me when I thought I was safe. All in all, I got about 5o bites on my body. I actually looked diseased! And I used so much bugspray it's a wonder I didn't poison myself. So we didn't stay very long. An acquaintance of Meg's said that the bugs were so bad because the island had gotten 10 inches of rain 2 weeks ago. Ugh, if only we had known!

It was a pretty cool trip though. When packing up my stuff, I discovered a small cockroach hanging out in my suitcase...which was scream inducing to say the least. Ew. Now I am constantly shaking out my clothes, just in case one of them decided a trip to Annapolis would be fun. Ugh.

Nothing's gonna change my world

Hey y'all!

It is officially summer for SP. We finished the spring season, and now it is time to rest, relax, and recuperate. Guess where I'm going to do some of that...the US Virgin Islands! My mom surprised my by buying me my ticket :) I will be visiting my sissy probably for the last time (in the Caribbean climes). I am so very excited to do this, I need the sun, sand, and peace. I think to really kick off my re-start (I actually feel like a broken down piece of shit right now, even after a restorative yoga class, and a week and half without ballet) I need to be taken out of this environment. There are just too many stressors present. Too many things that remind me of STRESS and WORRY.

Too bad the weather has been super crappy lately. I want to go to Quiet Waters and just be there for hours at a time...but I am kept indoors. I can feel the memories tugging at me like a kid tugs at his mom's shirt when he wants to get her attention. I would go and sit in the sun, stretched out like a cat. Then I would probably hug a tree or two. Then some yoga, walking on the pathways and contemplating the wonderous things around me. Maybe some knitting. Quiet contemplation by the water. Drawing. Painting. Being. Om.

Le sigh.

In other news I want to get a doggy. I ultimately want a daschund, but I will settle for something similar to it. Bottom line though, I want the doggy to be a rescue. So it may not end up being a puppy...it may be a rather old dog, but I'm totally OK with that. And this doggy would be living in the house (crosses fingers) with me and my roomies downtown (crosses fingers again). The house is too good to be true, so I'm just hoping we can *get* it. I know of others looking at it, so I'm just nervy that we will be beaten out. Although I would fight for it. Well, dance fight. We could do a dance-off. We go to look at the place tomorrow, so I'm hoping that after we look at it we can just sign the lease and be done with it.

In other other news, I'm almost going to school this summer. Almost because I still haven't registered for the classes. But I'm accepted and my transcripts have gone through. I will take the last step as soon as I stop being a retard and figure out how to register. Ladies and gentleman, I am one step closer to being a certified masseuse. (this is usually the part where you tell me you are available for me to practice on you. this is the most common response). I will be a rockin' massage lady, and I'm super excited at the prospect.

Well I must be off to get some shiz done, like buy a prescription and take a shower.

Sick again

Guess who is fighting a battle against the microbes once again? Yep. It's me. I have been dealing with this shiz for over a week. If I would be able to just take a day to rest, I think I would actually get better, but since I have been going balls to the wall for however many days in a row with complete disregard to my health, I am still sick. And it sucks.

Thankfully the fever has pretty much subsided. I would get this lowgrade fever, and it wouldn't be enough to completely knock me off my feet, but it would make me sick enough to be miserable. Lovely. All the while working at 5:30 am and dancing and not really having any free time. This does not make a very happy Sarah. Obviously.

I have reached a point where I'm just getting through, I'm not able to really push myself. And that is disturbing to me because I love to push myself. Also, there is no time for ME anymore. none! I feel guilty sitting here and writing this because I know I need to go hom and do laundry and try to get some things together for a show I had to do on Saturday. Meh.

Thusly, I must go and be productive

Yesterday I woke up sucking on a lemon

Yes, yes I know it has been a long while since I have written here. Sorry. Being sick really sucked, and I felt I had a lot of catching up to do after I felt functional again. I discovered Peppermint Oil is a magical substance that can help one to breathe when it feels like breathing will never be normal again. I also learned that certain regulars at the coffee shop genuinely care about my well being. Or at least they care enough so that I will make their special mochas properly without transferring my sickness to them.

Anywho, I am off on a snow day today. And it has been such a pleasure to lay in bed and read, sleep, and text message to my every whim. I have just completed the first and most terrifying leg of a personal and emotional journey, and this day of rest could not have come at a more necessary time. I have realized, that even though I am a strong and independent lady (fiercely independent, I like to say) I need to be vulnerable. I need to own my vulnerability and nakedly show it to the world. I need to stop worrying about shit, and just let it be. It's tattooed on my arm, and I still need the reminder thrown in my face! I have found solace in a few people who I never thought to find solace in before. And in a way I never thought would be comforting.

The image I would have in my head as one who would help me through this, would be a person laying in bed holding me, as I cried and snotted all over them. They would just stroke my hair and hold on and let it all pass. But this isn't the case. The most comfort I receieved was through distant connections. Through texts and the phone. Or in passing. It meant more to me than if said person dropped all they were doing to prop me up as I attemted to create a human fountain of tears and snot.

I am learning a lot about myself. I learn a lot every day, about myself and others...but I feel like I just took a day-long crash course in Sarah-ology.

Everyone has been telling me to read Eat Pray Love for the longest time, and on a whim I went out and bought it. There are so many sections in it that have applied directly to my experience, I'm wondering hows come I don't know the lady who wrote this, and why isn't she my bosom buddy already? Well she kinda is, through her writing. Anyways I will share a few sections with you here.

This is the author talking about the man she fell in love with right after her marriage began to dissolve (this doesn't apply directly to me, since I have yet to fall in love again)

"But, oh, we had such a great time together during those early months when he was still my romantic hero and I was still his living dream. It was excitement and compatability like I'd never imagined. We invented our own language. We went on day trips and road trips. We hiked to the top of things, swam to the bottom of other things, planned journeys across the world we would take together. We had more fun waiting in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles than most couples have on their honeymoons. We gave each other the same nickname so their would be no separation between us. we made goals, vows, promises, and dinner together. He read books to me, and he did my laundry. (The first time that happened, I called Susan to report the marvel in astonishment, like I'd just seen a camel using a pay phone. I said 'A man just did my laundry! And he even hand washed my delicates!' and she repeated: 'Oh my God, baby, you are in so much trouble.')"

I am in love with this woman and her book.

I am also reading Light Emerging by Barbara Ann Brennan, who I fondly refer to as Babs in my head. There will be an excerpt posted about that one in the near future. Now, I leave you with this:
Green bananas with brown spots.

Sicko

I have been so so sick lately. Like coughing from the depths of my bronchial tubes sick. I haven't felt like this in a while...I was a little freaked that it would be serious soon, so I went to the doctor. Turns out I'm "fine" and out 40 bucks. She did give me a prescription that I filled, which now everyone is telling me not to take. So that's more money out...and not being used.

In short, my bank account is not equipped for unforseen events such as this sickness. So now I'm poor.